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Dana and her children
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We came across this letter on one of our reader's blogs. The author's name is Dana, and she has three children and lives in Colorado. We hope her words speak to you, whether you are a "fellow traveler" or someone who can be an encouragement to those around you.
I don’t know you, Anna. I only know the image of you that has
been marketed on TV. Nevertheless, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry. You
are now part of a club that NO ONE ever wants to be in. It is the worst club,
Anna. You know that already. A hand grenade has been detonated and thrown smack
dab into the middle of your life. I understand. You are not alone.
There will be so many people who will tell you what you need
to do. Some of these people will be well-meaning, and some of them will not. No
one really knows, Anna. Some of your closest friends may be totally shocked to
learn about what has happened in your marriage, and some of them will not be.
You have to remember that only you know the truth, Anna. You are the only person
that has lived in your shoes day in and day out. You are the only person that
really knows Josh’s heart and intentions and capacity to change. There is a
soft, still voice in your head, Anna. I believe that is the voice of the Holy
Spirit; trust that voice. It will speak to you and guide you as you attempt to
navigate out of the depths of despair. I would like to offer some humble words
of encouragement for you on your journey.
1. Say yes. Yes I need help. Yes I could use help with
meals, yes you can watch my kids, yes you can stop by, yes you can clean my
house. Yes, I will not be able to ask for it, so yes you have my permission to
step into the gap and provide it. You need to allow others to serve you right
now. It is humbling, and difficult, and necessary. Anna, you need all of your
strength, all of your sanity, all of your courage for today. And then you will
need it all over again for tomorrow.
2. Find your people. This road of suffering is lonely and
barren; long and agonizing. There are men and women ahead of you on this journey.
There are also people right alongside you. Sadly, soon there will be those that
come after you. Find these people, Anna. Your soul will not survive without the
camaraderie of those that have gone before you. The first time that you share
your heart with a fellow traveler, and they say, “Me too. I know exactly what
you mean,” your soul will flicker with the tiniest ember of hope. The
connection between your hearts will lay down a thin thread. Sometimes you will feel like you are floating
away. Those people will feel tension on
the line when you start to disconnect. They will show up for you. They
will keep you grounded, connected, and safe. Hang onto those threads, Anna.
3. Give yourself grace. And then give yourself another
heaping portion of it. I think you are the kind of person that wants to do it
all. And you want to do it all well. And you want other people to approve of
how you are doing it all. Anna, you can’t do it all. You will fail. You will
unravel at the slightest thing. You will drift off into space, walk around in a
cloud, and snap at your loved ones. You will sob in the car. You will forget
things that you always reliably remembered. Let it go. Forgive yourself. In
fact, treat yourself. Give yourself permission to take extra care of yourself.
Allow luxuries that were previously thought frivolous. They aren’t luxuries
anymore, Anna; they are survival.
4. Be a courageous truth teller. We are a people called to
walk in the light. We are told that the truth will set us free. You are part of
a generation of women who can do hard things. You can do hard things! Do not
sacrifice your integrity to defend someone else who lacks it. Allow yourself to
feel whatever comes along. Face the pain and the agony head on. Admit how much
it hurts. If you are mad at God, He can handle it. Lean in to the truth, Anna.
Love is not shaming or silencing, controlling or deceitful. It is open and
honest and courageous. If your marriage gets put back together, it will be
real, and honest, and stronger than before. If it doesn’t,you will hold your
head up high as an honest and worthy woman of God.
The affairs were not about you, Anna. There wasn’t anything
missing, something you failed at, or some way that you did not measure up. It
wasn’t you. His shame is not your shame. The healing is about you. It’s all
about you. It is about your soul and your health and your children. It’s about
your heart and your dignity. Your worth and your purity and your happiness
aren’t dependent on Josh. They never
were. You are strong and worthy and beautiful all on your own. Your story
doesn’t end with a divorce or a reconciliation.
That will only ever be part of your story, Anna. It is your life and your story. You still own
that. Own it courageously.
Godspeed Anna,
A fellow traveler