TLC just released a new video blog series called Michelle's Take, which will feature Michelle Duggar's answers to questions sent in by viewers. Here are the first two clips:
1. Your heart is not made of construction paper. You will not run out of heart if you have been through more than one relationship. Showing someone attention and getting to know them as friends (or even dating with a purpose before marriage) does not diminish the amount of love you can share with a future spouse. Jesus says that rivers of living water should flow from believers in John 7. This is about the love we can share--it's unlimited.
2. Mrs. Duggar seems to equate "your heart" to physical contact and deep emotional sharing. Yes, you may only give your virginity to one person. Yes, you can only give your first kiss to one person. Yes, you can only give your first hand hold to one person. So, beware to whom you give those treasures!
3. There are some stories and experiences that one only wants to share with a future spouse. There's no point in airing your laundry to all the potential suitors out there. But when you know he or she is the one, it's time to be honest about past attitudes and actions--and that's when it's appropriate to "share your heart". Oh the ridiculousness of our metaphors!
Great Idea for TLC!!there must be a demand for her lessons and wisdom. For those who appreciate her messages, I love the idea. For those that are not impressed well, then there is no pleasing you and you shouldn't be on this site.
I understand the idea behind this marriage philosophy but in actuality I think it poses more risks than mindful dating. I don't think it is healthy to have this constant "guard your heart" philosophy. I think it would make it difficult to just get to know someone if you're always feeling paranoid about whether your actions are business-like enough. In their community, the girls are actually getting kind of old. Mind you they aren't too old! But most women want a husband that is at least a few years older, so that means that their older daughters would be most compatible with someone in his late 20s. I'm not so sure there are very many late-20s men who are willing to be complete virgins including all kissing for that long. Not that there aren't any, but that pool of potential husbands starts getting quite small rather quickly it seems. I don't want to be negative, but I do feel the girls should have more freedom to make friends with the opposite sex without the constant "guarding your heart" nonsense.
NOT good for TLC & tired of TLC!...This info. is as old as the hills, and just more promo for the upcoming season and the girls' book (which of course was plugged by Michelle herself.) Sorry, I do not believe there is a high demand for her lessons and wisdom, since it's all been out there for 7 plus years and 2 books later...it's called marketing, aka. more $$$-making opportunity for TLC, taking advantage of those who appreciate her messages..
I think there can be a happy medium between the Duggars dating and "dating 2013". I love Kelly Bates recent comments on her blog that the Bates are changing their feeling on such strict courtship models. All 3 of the Bates kids that are currently involved in a courtship/dating have different views and are taking courting/dating a bit different but all are still saving certain aspects for marriage. I think Kelly and Gil learned from Zak's broken heart over his failed courtship that they needed to have each kid have their own model of what they want, not what the parents wanted. I don't think there is one right "model" like the Duggars feel for courting. I don't think everyone needs accountability partners. I traveled with my now husband cross county and we were able to save certain aspects till after marriage without a chaperone. I just hope each Duggar child does get to choose what is right for them when it comes to courtship/dating and doesn't feel pressured to fit one model. It worked great for Josh but who is to say it will work the same way for JD who seems to have a very different personality. I hope we get another Duggar courtship soon or even better I hope 19 kids will cover the Bates' courtships/dating.
thank you michelle for includeing joy as on of the older girls i mean the picture on the desk has the older girls with joy in it i think that she has been feeling left out from her older sisters......
she wants to control her children forever you cant do that. let them go they will learn from there mistakes. she doesnt want them to date , she will lose all her help!
I dated many before I meant my wonderful husband. I was engaged twice before him. We didn't share our first kiss until way after we were engaged. We did courtship we both were born again virgins through the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ our Lord i wore a purity ring on my finger for 4 years up to the day i got engaged from my husband.
I completely disagree with Michelle about dating. Who are you or anyone else to tell your adult daughters what to do. Please stop forcing your unrealistic ideas on your kids and everyone else.
I don't think there is a limited amount of your heart to give. But I think you should be thinking of why you are with this person and also that I think sometimes it can be good to learn from your mistakes in relationships and bring that knowledge into your serious relationship. I think Michelle makes sense tho I think that's a great way to do it!
In regard to the first commenter: No, you can't "run out of heart", but you can cheat your future spouse by giving parts of your heart away to the wrong person. You can't get that back and it can hold you back from completely giving your heart to the right person. I've seen it happen more than once.
Thank you to alexia for mentioning the fact that Joy was in that pic WITH the older girls. Joy has seemed in an awkward position all along being younger than the "older" girls, but older than the "younger" girls...I noticed how TLC attempted to have her sit in with the older girls during a couple past segments on talking about boys/courtship, and she looked very uncomfortable, not to mention didn't even talk, or show much interest at all in being included.
I think many have noticed, and commented, what seems to be a disconnect, and maybe that was why the attempt to have her brought in with the older ones-and I say attempt, because she is not pictured with them, nor mentioned when talking about, "the girls" new book. That said, I haven't really seen much of a connection with the "older girls" and Joy, no talk or example in the show of mentoring or sisterly closeness...just wondering, since the few times we've seen Joy interact with Cousin Amy, it was much more like sisters, and excitement, definitely on Joy's part.
I would really like to see as a part of the show, not to mention it would be a great Christian-family example, the older sisters shown communicating with Joy as, just that-sisters, and possibly as mentors, instead of the usual portrayal of Joy just mingling around the house helping with laundry, trying to interact with her brothers, or baking cookies.
In response to a recent commenter, they DO let their children decide what or how they want to pursue "dating". It just so happens, that their daughters have decided to follow the path that Josh did. They will be discussing that in their upcoming book.
I agree about Joy, although she isn't best friends with her older sisters, she shouldn't be left out. She has always been pretty close to Josiah and Jer and Jed. She should choose who she wants to hang out with and not be forced in with the older girls.
Dating is practice for divorce? How so? My husband and myself both dated different people before we met and got married, and will celebrate 31 years in October. I don't know one person that got divorced because they dated before marriage. According to the Duggar philosophy, you will marry the person you decide to date/court. What happens if they decide that person isn't the one for them after they become engaged and before they marry? Do they go through with the wedding and hope for the best? I believe the whole no dating before marriage came about by Jim Bob since Michelle apparently dated a few boys before she met him and I believe he doesn't ever let her forget it. He brought it up when Josh and Anna got engaged. I don't believe for a minute that any of the kids could choose to date with marriage being in the picture. They have been trained with that philosophy since birth.
@Cammie-I like Kelly Bates explanation on dating, as well. She seems to "get it" in a very reasonable way! Michelle and JimBob could learn from her and Gil's example.
I agree. I honestly cannot figure out what is wrong with dating, especially kissing. My husband is a pastor and we are devout Christians with rules for our almost grown children, but not allowing them to date and kiss is really taking it too far.
According to the Duggars, they do not allow their children to kiss before marriage. They can have a courtship which includes being in a group setting with both families and limited, quick hugs. Saving your virginity for after marriage is biblical and should be honored. How can you build trust if your child is not given the opportunity to be alone with the opposite sex. You cannot keep your children "under your wing" forever. I personally, encourage my children to date. But, I also encourage them to be selective in whom they date. We have also instilled in our children that God instructs us to save sex for after marriage. We encourage them to date people that are Christians...that fear God, have a relationship with Him, and worship Him. How can your children REALLY know what they what in a spouse if they don't know what to choose from? How do they know how someone will act when you are alone (after marriage) if you don't have some experience with it (before marriage). The Duggars make their viewers and readers feel that their rules of dating are the most Godly. It seems to me that they philosophy of dating forces their children to quickly marry.... just so they can be alone and kiss.
I was courted by my husband before we were married. One thing we stressed early on between our two families is that courtship is NOT engagement. We are courting with the purpose of getting to know this other person to see if he/she is one we could marry. If at any point either party feels this is not working, the courtship will be broken off. The same was true of the engagement period, although if we made it that far, it was unlikely new red flags would surface.
We had to be very intentional about the character qualities we were seeking, AND in the way we treated one another throughout the courtship. The "no kiss", "no alone time" etc. were rules we adhered to, not because they were "more godly", but because they helped remove many of the emotional distractions from the relationship. One cannot deny the rush that dating and courtship brings. It is enormously gratifying to be in love with someone who thinks the world of you too! So, for young people especially, it is wise to set very clear boundaries. Of course, the boundaries will vary from family to family and from person to person-- but I have never heard the Duggars state that their way is the only way to practice courtship! It is clear they have thought deeply about this, prayed about this, and have decided what is best for their family. As every parent should.
One final comment: the choice of how we developed our relationship was ultimately up to us, the two young people. We were both 24, adults. But we trusted our parents guidance and years of experience. I believe the biblical model is for a young woman to be under her father's headship (maybe not physically, but still authoritatively) until marriage. When a father "gives his daughter away", he is transferring that authority to her husband. It makes sense then, that the young woman would rely on her father to guide her and protect her as she is courted by a future mate.
Soooo true. I completely agree with the Duggars on the dating topic and will be teaching that to my kids. Its fine to be friends with people but i feel that Heavenly Father didnt mean for us to put our hearts out on the line to be used and broken by others. I've met alot of married people now, who though they love their spouse still regret and feel pain from those first heart breaks or relationships that "didnt work out". Who better to guide you in finding love than your parents who have known you your entire life and want only what is best for you?
Why the insistence on courtships vs. dating, as a means to "guard your heart"? Dating and breaking up can be painful, but courtship and breaking up can be arguably a lot more painful, since courtship is "dating" with the purpose of becoming engaged. Zach Bates had a courtship break up, and I have also heard that Joshua Duggar may have had a courtship before Anna. How were hearts guarded in these cases, and does this help or hinder the case for courtships?
Thanks for leaving your comments! We answer as many of your questions as we can, but due to the number of comments we receive daily, we are unable to answer every one. Our aim is to post all points of view, but we do not post anything that is profane, insulting, derogatory, or in poor taste.
1. Your heart is not made of construction paper. You will not run out of heart if you have been through more than one relationship. Showing someone attention and getting to know them as friends (or even dating with a purpose before marriage) does not diminish the amount of love you can share with a future spouse. Jesus says that rivers of living water should flow from believers in John 7. This is about the love we can share--it's unlimited.
ReplyDelete2. Mrs. Duggar seems to equate "your heart" to physical contact and deep emotional sharing. Yes, you may only give your virginity to one person. Yes, you can only give your first kiss to one person. Yes, you can only give your first hand hold to one person. So, beware to whom you give those treasures!
3. There are some stories and experiences that one only wants to share with a future spouse. There's no point in airing your laundry to all the potential suitors out there. But when you know he or she is the one, it's time to be honest about past attitudes and actions--and that's when it's appropriate to "share your heart". Oh the ridiculousness of our metaphors!
Although it flies in the face of our culture, their dating philosophy is SO wise. And it works! I know from personal experience. :)
ReplyDeleteThese are fantastic! It's nice to see some new videos from Michelle and I like the private, quiet setting :-) I am glad you shared this here!
ReplyDeleteRegards,
Eve
Great Idea for TLC!!there must be a demand for her lessons and wisdom. For those who appreciate her messages, I love the idea. For those that are not impressed well, then there is no pleasing you and you shouldn't be on this site.
ReplyDeletexoxo
I understand the idea behind this marriage philosophy but in actuality I think it poses more risks than mindful dating. I don't think it is healthy to have this constant "guard your heart" philosophy. I think it would make it difficult to just get to know someone if you're always feeling paranoid about whether your actions are business-like enough. In their community, the girls are actually getting kind of old. Mind you they aren't too old! But most women want a husband that is at least a few years older, so that means that their older daughters would be most compatible with someone in his late 20s. I'm not so sure there are very many late-20s men who are willing to be complete virgins including all kissing for that long. Not that there aren't any, but that pool of potential husbands starts getting quite small rather quickly it seems. I don't want to be negative, but I do feel the girls should have more freedom to make friends with the opposite sex without the constant "guarding your heart" nonsense.
ReplyDeleteNOT good for TLC & tired of TLC!...This info. is as old as the hills, and just more promo for the upcoming season and the girls' book (which of course was plugged by Michelle herself.) Sorry, I do not believe there is a high demand for her lessons and wisdom, since it's all been out there for 7 plus years and 2 books later...it's called marketing, aka. more $$$-making opportunity for TLC, taking advantage of those who appreciate her messages..
ReplyDeleteWay to go TLC! I think this is a wonderful idea. Yey!
ReplyDeleteOlga
I think there can be a happy medium between the Duggars dating and "dating 2013". I love Kelly Bates recent comments on her blog that the Bates are changing their feeling on such strict courtship models. All 3 of the Bates kids that are currently involved in a courtship/dating have different views and are taking courting/dating a bit different but all are still saving certain aspects for marriage. I think Kelly and Gil learned from Zak's broken heart over his failed courtship that they needed to have each kid have their own model of what they want, not what the parents wanted. I don't think there is one right "model" like the Duggars feel for courting. I don't think everyone needs accountability partners. I traveled with my now husband cross county and we were able to save certain aspects till after marriage without a chaperone.
ReplyDeleteI just hope each Duggar child does get to choose what is right for them when it comes to courtship/dating and doesn't feel pressured to fit one model. It worked great for Josh but who is to say it will work the same way for JD who seems to have a very different personality. I hope we get another Duggar courtship soon or even better I hope 19 kids will cover the Bates' courtships/dating.
thank you michelle for includeing joy as on of the older girls i mean the picture on the desk has the older girls with joy in it i think that she has been feeling left out from her older sisters......
ReplyDeleteshe wants to control her children forever you cant do that. let them go they will learn from there mistakes. she doesnt want them to date , she will lose all her help!
ReplyDeletecan you post all of "michelle take" videos please? thanks so much yall for all yall do!
ReplyDeleteI dated many before I meant my wonderful husband. I was engaged twice before him. We didn't share our first kiss until way after we were engaged. We did courtship we both were born again virgins through the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ our Lord i wore a purity ring on my finger for 4 years up to the day i got engaged from my husband.
ReplyDeleteI completely disagree with Michelle about dating. Who are you or anyone else to tell your adult daughters what to do. Please stop forcing your unrealistic ideas on your kids and everyone else.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is a limited amount of your heart to give. But I think you should be thinking of why you are with this person and also that I think sometimes it can be good to learn from your mistakes in relationships and bring that knowledge into your serious relationship. I think Michelle makes sense tho I think that's a great way to do it!
ReplyDeleteIn regard to the first commenter:
ReplyDeleteNo, you can't "run out of heart", but you can cheat your future spouse by giving parts of your heart away to the wrong person. You can't get that back and it can hold you back from completely giving your heart to the right person. I've seen it happen more than once.
Thank you to alexia for mentioning the fact that Joy was in that pic WITH the older girls. Joy has seemed in an awkward position all along being younger than the "older" girls, but older than the "younger" girls...I noticed how TLC attempted to have her sit in with the older girls during a couple past segments on talking about boys/courtship, and she looked very uncomfortable, not to mention didn't even talk, or show much interest at all in being included.
ReplyDeleteI think many have noticed, and commented, what seems to be a disconnect, and maybe that was why the attempt to have her brought in with the older ones-and I say attempt, because she is not pictured with them, nor mentioned when talking about, "the girls" new book.
That said, I haven't really seen much of a connection with the "older girls" and Joy, no talk or example in the show of mentoring or sisterly closeness...just wondering, since the few times we've seen Joy interact with Cousin Amy, it was much more like sisters, and excitement, definitely on Joy's part.
I would really like to see as a part of the show, not to mention it would be a great Christian-family example, the older sisters shown communicating with Joy as, just that-sisters, and possibly as mentors, instead of the usual portrayal of Joy just mingling around the house helping with laundry, trying to interact with her brothers, or baking cookies.
I wish they would let their kids decide for themselves what they want to do about dating
ReplyDeleteDating is, simply put, practice for divorce. Chew on that for a bit.
ReplyDeleteIn response to a recent commenter, they DO let their children decide what or how they want to pursue "dating". It just so happens, that their daughters have decided to follow the path that Josh did. They will be discussing that in their upcoming book.
ReplyDeleteI agree about Joy, although she isn't best friends with her older sisters, she shouldn't be left out. She has always been pretty close to Josiah and Jer and Jed. She should choose who she wants to hang out with and not be forced in with the older girls.
ReplyDeleteDating is practice for divorce? How so? My husband and myself both dated different people before we met and got married, and will celebrate 31 years in October. I don't know one person that got divorced because they dated before marriage. According to the Duggar philosophy, you will marry the person you decide to date/court. What happens if they decide that person isn't the one for them after they become engaged and before they marry? Do they go through with the wedding and hope for the best? I believe the whole no dating before marriage came about by Jim Bob since Michelle apparently dated a few boys before she met him and I believe he doesn't ever let her forget it. He brought it up when Josh and Anna got engaged. I don't believe for a minute that any of the kids could choose to date with marriage being in the picture. They have been trained with that philosophy since birth.
ReplyDeleteThat should say-I don't believe for a minute that any of the kids could chose to date without marriage being in the picture.
ReplyDelete@Cammie-I like Kelly Bates explanation on dating, as well. She seems to "get it" in a very reasonable way! Michelle and JimBob could learn from her and Gil's example.
ReplyDeleteI agree. I honestly cannot figure out what is wrong with dating, especially kissing. My husband is a pastor and we are devout Christians with rules for our almost grown children, but not allowing them to date and kiss is really taking it too far.
ReplyDeleteAccording to the Duggars, they do not allow their children to kiss before marriage. They can have a courtship which includes being in a group setting with both families and limited, quick hugs. Saving your virginity for after marriage is biblical and should be honored. How can you build trust if your child is not given the opportunity to be alone with the opposite sex. You cannot keep your children "under your wing" forever. I personally, encourage my children to date. But, I also encourage them to be selective in whom they date. We have also instilled in our children that God instructs us to save sex for after marriage. We encourage them to date people that are Christians...that fear God, have a relationship with Him, and worship Him. How can your children REALLY know what they what in a spouse if they don't know what to choose from? How do they know how someone will act when you are alone (after marriage) if you don't have some experience with it (before marriage). The Duggars make their viewers and readers feel that their rules of dating are the most Godly. It seems to me that they philosophy of dating forces their children to quickly marry.... just so they can be alone and kiss.
ReplyDeletehi i am fourteen years old and i wanted to know what the duggar family thinks of kids haveing babies before they are married
ReplyDeleteWhat age do you think you should get married and what time do you think during the marriage should you have a baby?
ReplyDeleteWhat happens if they break off an engagement, as I did many years ago? Are they ostracized from the family?
ReplyDeleteI was courted by my husband before we were married. One thing we stressed early on between our two families is that courtship is NOT engagement. We are courting with the purpose of getting to know this other person to see if he/she is one we could marry. If at any point either party feels this is not working, the courtship will be broken off. The same was true of the engagement period, although if we made it that far, it was unlikely new red flags would surface.
ReplyDeleteWe had to be very intentional about the character qualities we were seeking, AND in the way we treated one another throughout the courtship. The "no kiss", "no alone time" etc. were rules we adhered to, not because they were "more godly", but because they helped remove many of the emotional distractions from the relationship. One cannot deny the rush that dating and courtship brings. It is enormously gratifying to be in love with someone who thinks the world of you too! So, for young people especially, it is wise to set very clear boundaries. Of course, the boundaries will vary from family to family and from person to person-- but I have never heard the Duggars state that their way is the only way to practice courtship! It is clear they have thought deeply about this, prayed about this, and have decided what is best for their family. As every parent should.
One final comment: the choice of how we developed our relationship was ultimately up to us, the two young people. We were both 24, adults. But we trusted our parents guidance and years of experience. I believe the biblical model is for a young woman to be under her father's headship (maybe not physically, but still authoritatively) until marriage. When a father "gives his daughter away", he is transferring that authority to her husband. It makes sense then, that the young woman would rely on her father to guide her and protect her as she is courted by a future mate.
Soooo true. I completely agree with the Duggars on the dating topic and will be teaching that to my kids. Its fine to be friends with people but i feel that Heavenly Father didnt mean for us to put our hearts out on the line to be used and broken by others. I've met alot of married people now, who though they love their spouse still regret and feel pain from those first heart breaks or relationships that "didnt work out". Who better to guide you in finding love than your parents who have known you your entire life and want only what is best for you?
ReplyDeleteWhy the insistence on courtships vs. dating, as a means to "guard your heart"? Dating and breaking up can be painful, but courtship and breaking up can be arguably a lot more painful, since courtship is "dating" with the purpose of becoming engaged. Zach Bates had a courtship break up, and I have also heard that Joshua Duggar may have had a courtship before Anna. How were hearts guarded in these cases, and does this help or hinder the case for courtships?
ReplyDelete